What do you do when you’ve lived in your house for years and years and it no longer meets your needs? It seems to me that you have 3 choices.
1. Stay put, change nothing, and be uncomfortable, maybe even unhappy.
2. Leave your old house to find a new, better house that allows you to spread out and live the way you dream.
3. Remodel the home you have, keeping what you love and change the parts that don’t work for you anymore.
What do you do when your life no longer meets your needs?
1. Stay put, change nothing, and be uncomfortable, maybe even unhappy.
2. Leave your old life to find a new, better one that allows you to spread your wings and live the life you dream.
3. Remodel the life you have, keeping what you love and changing the parts that don’t work for you anymore.
This is where I find myself – or maybe found myself – in the past few years. I knew the life I created wasn’t working for me, or anyone else for that matter. I was stressed, unhappy, unfulfilled, and grasping at anything that might make me feel better.
So I had to make a choice – door #1, 2, or 3? I knew something needed to change, so choice #1 was off the table. That left me with #2 and #3. But that can be a hard decision. So I started down the path of change not knowing what the outcome would be.
I left my job.
Went back to school full-time.
Repaired the personal relationships in my life.
Repaired myself.
Going down this road was exciting, challenging, energizing, and frustrating. The biggest frustrations came each time I faced that choice – leave or remodel. One thing was certain, I wasn’t leaving my husband or children, because the more I learned to love myself, the more I loved them.
The choice, however, became more and more clear as events unfolded. I’m staying. There is too much of my life – here and now – that I love. There are, though, parts that don’t work for me anymore. And that’s where I get stuck sometimes.
How does a 43 year old woman remodel her life?
New job? Check
New hobbies? Check
New outlook? Check
Heck, I even switched the furniture in the family and dining rooms to completely flip our house around.
But there’s a chunk of life that I still haven’t quite figured out. Before I go any further, let me say I love my friends. They are wonderful. But I’ve never been very good at getting close to people. I’m good at knowing a lot of people and being friendly, but not at being friends.
So I find myself at a point in my life where I’m ready to belong to a community of smart, spiritual, amazing women. Women who want to be their best in order to do their best work in the world, whatever that may be.
But where do you find them? We’re all so wrapped up in our work, families, church, you name it, we hardly ever have time to focus on ourselves. And if we do, shouldn’t we really be focusing on something or someone else? I’m ready to say no. I need time to work on and sustain myself, and hopefully help sustain others.
So I’m embarking on a journey to create such a community. I’ve taken a few steps to get started and I’ll be sharing them with you along the way. I think this could turn into something pretty exciting. I’d also love to hear what you think.
Are you anywhere in this process?
Do you belong to such a community of supporting women?
Aside from your family, where do you find the support and energy that sustains you?
~mwe
This is a great post – we do, indeed, have only 3 choices when feeling unsatisfied. The first is not healthy option, and the third is very scary one. I have recently been feeling that I need to make huge changes to my life, and I did this by simply adding new activities to my daily routine. One of the things that had the most wonderful effect was doing something simply for the pleasure of it, simply for the enjoyment and no other purpose. I started going to singing classes, because I liked singing and wanted to improve. And doing this fun, creative and expressive activity has really brought more positivity into my life!
Yes been there done that. I managed a miracle at 44 had my 4th child a son I never dreamed of and it has given me new insight to a different life. Reliving a life and restructuring my family to try again. I don’t recommend it for everyone and I wouldn’t have believed that it would work. So yes changing my career expectations and putting behind friends that were not really there is also a step I’ve taken and hopefully in time I’ll meet more lady friends with more in common but right now I know whom my real friends are and my extended family now know whom matters… and hobbies I’m learning new ones all the time and realising its up to me to make the changes and smile.
I am at the same place, it sounds like. My kids are mostly grown, I’m happy with my career, but I’ve been thinking it would be wonderful to develop some nourishing, deep friendships. I don’t know where to find them~ I tried church and that didn’t work.
Thanks for reading and responding, Melissa! Maybe we can figure this out together 🙂 If you’re comfortable telling me, what part of the country are you in?
My pleasure! Yes, maybe we can 🙂 I am in northern Illinois, near the Wisconsin line. And you?
Central Ohio
It takes a village! I left my hometown and support system 10 years ago and slowly re-built my village. I would be nowhere without my core of about 4-5 girlfriends. Then there are still a few others who come in and out of the mix. Do you know the saying – be the change you want to see in the world? Be the friend you want to have. Organize the potlucks, ask interesting questions, encourage, smile. You mentioned that you’ve started a new job and new hobbies- invite as many of the other people involved with you in those pursuits over for a dinner, coffee hour, chat. Not every one will attend nor will all become a close friend but you have to cast your net wide. I could write books about how the women in my life kept me going. The women in my life absolutely energize and sustain me. You will definitely reap what you sow. I had one lady remark to me that she never thought of doing anything but running her household until she was asked to tag along. Do not feel guilty to spend time a way from spouse or kids to grow friendships.
I wish you luck and pray that you find the friends you need and they find you. You are correct in assuming it IS an exciting time.
Annie, thanks so much for all the ideas. I’ve actually tried a lot of them – but haven’t made too much progress. Who’s to why – I figure it just hasn’t been the right place/time/people so far. I guess this is one more attempt to cast my net wide – we’ll see what happens 🙂
I’ve always been outdoorsy yet loved the board game Monopoly at the same time. A Nick Schuyler dichotomy.
I’ve had too many very close friends commit suicide and two too many ex-girlfriends struggle, yet die, of Cancer.
I, too, am 43.
Using the Monopoly parallel, I’ve found that life is similar to it: In a two-person game, the better player always wins. In a three-player game, the best politician always wins. In a four-player game, it’s a delicate balance of skill, luck, and just plain serendipity. Yet, it’s also about perseverance. The most willing wins.
Ironically, this pairs up quite well with mountain climbing. In spite of weird obstacles and often overlooked blessings and abilities, I’ve been my best friend and worst enemy. It took me 31 years to get started – I was running through the hallways of life, leaving books in several lockers, ignoring the advice of those who were trying to teach.
As I climbed, I rarely used full four-point contact, but was lucky to have people “on belay” holding steady. Now, though, the crags are less available, the rock faces often sheer, and the equipment is sticky or not working at all.
There are too many ledges to prevail over. There are a few peaks I want to observe life from. So still, I just climb.
You are not alone! The speed of our lives and myriad of demands means that most of us have no time for soul-satisfying friends, despite being “friendly” with many people. It’s more than finding time for coffee or time to talk; the thought of consciously relaxing and letting go of everything tugging on you enough to focus on someone else (and yourself) is exhausting all by itself. Who has that kind of mental stamina, despite the full knowledge that it will enrich our lives? I’m positive that men have the same problem, but perhaps not to the same degree. This is an issue that’s been batted about quite a bit over the past couple of years, so it wouldn’t surprise me to find resources. On the other hand, if I’m reading about finding a friend, doesn’t that take away from the actual friend-finding? Giggling, all by myself… 😉
Well, we can’t be on the lookout 24/7 🙂 I will, however, be on the lookout at the end of next week to give you a hug in person 🙂
Because of our work, we move every few years. Long-term friendships are rarely established in such a short time, especially when long distances are involved. Since blogging I’ve found a kind of nurturing, supportive community here but it’s not the same as people I’ve known a long time. I think because of moving a lot in my life, I also haven’t gotten “close”. I find now, I have to be intentional about sustaining the friendships I have. Since we all live in different cities and states, that means keeping up with email of phone calls. It’s not the best but all we have now. When we do see each other, it usually involves long conversations over dinner somewhere. It doesn’t just happen, we have to make it happen. For awhile I forgot that.
Debby, You’re so right. We have to work on maintaining the relationships we have. I also agree that while we can have one level of “virtual” connection, it’s not the same as a “real” one. We need to connect with people face to face.